Just so you don't think everything is negative, kiddo and I went to Titanic in 3D on the weekend and we have fun. Okay, we were sitting in a dark theatre so not really communicating, but I got to see her cry (true) and express some emotions AND we end up with an experience we can share 'cause we'll talk it to death, which is pretty positive.
I've made an appointment for her next week with the social worker so we get through her birthday week without having to dump this on her. Now, I just have to convince her to invite her friends over on Friday and that she is important enough to do this; that she's not imposing on her friends by inviting them over and that she is allowed to have them over and recognize her birthday and that she's allowed to have a good time!!
Oye.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Kiddo meets The Doctor (not really)
So we met with the social worker on Monday with Emma. I have to give the kid props; despite being incredibly uncomfortable she spoke and answered questions; she didn't prevaricate or try to pretend she didn't understand the questions, she didn't grump and growl (which she very well could have done) and from what I could tell was pretty honest. There were a couple of times that I or Brian had to step in, gently, and add some information or ask a question but overall I think it went way better than I anticipated - and let's understand that I had no idea how this was going to go.
We and the social worker really tried to focus on getting her to see how some of her thought patterns need to be readjusted a little bit. We also thanked her very much for having the strenght and courage to come with us and not just be crabby.
The other thing we did which has certainly not happened in a very long time if ever, was that after the session we went out for dinner just the three of us. We made a distinct effort to not talk about the session and just talked about other stuff. Until the end of the meal. At that point I just asked her "do you understand why Dad & I went to speak with her?" and she said yes; then I asked "do you understand why we think it was important for you to meet with her?" and again she said yes; and the clincher "do you understand that we think its important for you to continue talking with her?" and again she said yes. I know that she may feel coerced but I don't really care; I just want her to realize she doesn't have to be this unhappy.
I guess that's it for now. Have called the social worker and am waiting for her to call me back for another appoitment for Emma. Oh, and I think we need to do the dinner thing more often. It was very nice.
We and the social worker really tried to focus on getting her to see how some of her thought patterns need to be readjusted a little bit. We also thanked her very much for having the strenght and courage to come with us and not just be crabby.
The other thing we did which has certainly not happened in a very long time if ever, was that after the session we went out for dinner just the three of us. We made a distinct effort to not talk about the session and just talked about other stuff. Until the end of the meal. At that point I just asked her "do you understand why Dad & I went to speak with her?" and she said yes; then I asked "do you understand why we think it was important for you to meet with her?" and again she said yes; and the clincher "do you understand that we think its important for you to continue talking with her?" and again she said yes. I know that she may feel coerced but I don't really care; I just want her to realize she doesn't have to be this unhappy.
I guess that's it for now. Have called the social worker and am waiting for her to call me back for another appoitment for Emma. Oh, and I think we need to do the dinner thing more often. It was very nice.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Every one is important
Today was not a good day for me. Well, that's not exactly true. Most of the day has been pretty crappy but since about 4pm it's been okay. Yesterday, my daughter was going to meet up with some friends to celebrate a birthday and as she was getting dressed, she came out and modeled this really cute top she bought a couple of weeks ago; but the top was sleeveless and I noticed some marks on her shoulder. What is that? I asked. She just kind of looked at me and tried to brush it off.
I feel like we are playing Where's Waldo. Is there is any part of her body that is not scarred up? So since yesterday I've been wallowing (yes, wallowing) in despair. As much as I want to be understanding and supportive, I'm having a hard time - I'm starting to get angry. With her; with us; with everything. Why did she chose to do this to herself and place this burden on us? It's not like we don't have enough on our plate...
Today it continued because I was in a crabby mood. I'm tired of hearing her put herself down and tell us that we don't have to worry about it. That she's fine. That she's not doing it anymore. That it's okay that she thinks she's fat, ugly, stupid and whatever else she thinks. I'm so tired of it.
We ended up having an argument about it. Told her that she did not have the right to tell us that we shouldn't worry - that she is just as important as her sister and that we were going to care whether she liked it or not.
Believe it or not that sort of ended it...for today.
I feel like we are playing Where's Waldo. Is there is any part of her body that is not scarred up? So since yesterday I've been wallowing (yes, wallowing) in despair. As much as I want to be understanding and supportive, I'm having a hard time - I'm starting to get angry. With her; with us; with everything. Why did she chose to do this to herself and place this burden on us? It's not like we don't have enough on our plate...
Today it continued because I was in a crabby mood. I'm tired of hearing her put herself down and tell us that we don't have to worry about it. That she's fine. That she's not doing it anymore. That it's okay that she thinks she's fat, ugly, stupid and whatever else she thinks. I'm so tired of it.
We ended up having an argument about it. Told her that she did not have the right to tell us that we shouldn't worry - that she is just as important as her sister and that we were going to care whether she liked it or not.
Believe it or not that sort of ended it...for today.
Monday, April 2, 2012
We dropped the bomb
So after wondering when the best time would be to drop the bomb on the kiddo regarding the social worker we spoke with last week, we decided Saturday after supper and while folding laundry was it. Although it went better than I anticipated, she was not a happy camper. I was picturing a 13-year old pulling a 3-year old temper tantrum and while it got close, we were able to speak with her and calm her down. I think she was more horrified by the idea that she hadn't fooled the guidance councillor at school and with the fear that the councillor will tell everyone at school.
Once we got that one out of the way, we were able to explain to her that we felt like we didn't have a choice. That her behaviour was totally out of the realm of our experience and that we needed some advice. And that despite her assurances to the contrary, we couldn't just take her word for it that the issue was resolved. That we wanted her to develop the tools to deal with frustrations/stress without resorting to self-injurious behaviours. It took about an hour but she calmed down enough to smile a little and talk with us.
Afterwards, she and I went for a looooonnnnng car drive (about 2 hours) where we talked about various issues surrounding the cutting and why we wanted her to speak with the social worker. I really wanted to stress with her that she was important and that her needs were obviously not being met and that we as parents needed to apologize to her for letting her feel that way.
Self-injury is not a new thing with her; it's something she has done since she was little (picking her fingers till they bled, destroying her work at school...). She even admitted that. This was now into something we didn't know how to handle and although happy that her friends were trying to help her through it, we didn't see the harm in getting someone else's perspective. This person would lay out some ground rules for everyone to follow and would be able to guide/counsel her on recognizing the stressors and how to help her deal with them in a more constructive (rather than destructive) manner. It would be confidential and no one need know unless she told them.
I also stressed that she wasn't allowed to throw a book at Taylor (the friend who squealed on her at school) as he was a good friend. In the end, I don't think she's happy about it but I hope she is resigned to going. That's all I want. And for her to be happy and to stop hurting herself.
Once we got that one out of the way, we were able to explain to her that we felt like we didn't have a choice. That her behaviour was totally out of the realm of our experience and that we needed some advice. And that despite her assurances to the contrary, we couldn't just take her word for it that the issue was resolved. That we wanted her to develop the tools to deal with frustrations/stress without resorting to self-injurious behaviours. It took about an hour but she calmed down enough to smile a little and talk with us.
Afterwards, she and I went for a looooonnnnng car drive (about 2 hours) where we talked about various issues surrounding the cutting and why we wanted her to speak with the social worker. I really wanted to stress with her that she was important and that her needs were obviously not being met and that we as parents needed to apologize to her for letting her feel that way.
Self-injury is not a new thing with her; it's something she has done since she was little (picking her fingers till they bled, destroying her work at school...). She even admitted that. This was now into something we didn't know how to handle and although happy that her friends were trying to help her through it, we didn't see the harm in getting someone else's perspective. This person would lay out some ground rules for everyone to follow and would be able to guide/counsel her on recognizing the stressors and how to help her deal with them in a more constructive (rather than destructive) manner. It would be confidential and no one need know unless she told them.
I also stressed that she wasn't allowed to throw a book at Taylor (the friend who squealed on her at school) as he was a good friend. In the end, I don't think she's happy about it but I hope she is resigned to going. That's all I want. And for her to be happy and to stop hurting herself.
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