The last couple of weeks have left me wondering about alot of things including my competencies as a parent. Just how good a parent are you when both your kids are damaged? Ok - so Ronnie is not my fault but reality is she is not 'neuro-typical'. As for Emma, the rational part of my brain says that this behaviour is something she has chosen and that it is not about me but rather herself. But the emotional part of my brain says 'that's all very nice, but you must have screwed up somewhere for her to think this is normal'.
I am so angry at her for putting us throught this. How dare she behave this way and be so selfish as to think that this would not affect us in any way. Who does she think she is? She thinks she is so unloved, unimportant, insignificant; that she always gets the short end of the stick because she's 'normal' and her sister is handicaped? Grow the fuck up!!! Does she have any idea of the sacrifices we have made for her? Does her sister get to take dance classes? Does her sister get to go to movies and buy clothes and hang out with friends? Does her sister get to take karate classes? Does her sister get to hold us hostage to her fucked-up emotions and whims? Does her sister make me uncomfortable in my own home? NO to any of these.
We have bent over backwards to try to make things as normal as possible for kiddo and that is still not good enough. In fact, we've probably neglected some of Ronnie's needs (i.e. fun) to placate her sister and ensure that she is not forced into a public situation she doesn't want to have. And this is the thanks we get? She cuts herself and then has the fucking balls to tell me it's my fault and to deny total responsibility for it???
I'm at a loss and have no idea how to deal with this anymore.
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