Update

Wow, so I just re-read my last post which was in May.  I think I was a little pissed off:)

All joking aside, it was not an easy situation. Things felt very dicey and we were not really sure where to go and what to do.  It was a very scary situation and we tried to handle it as best as we could.

The good news is that things seem to have improved tremendously.  Emma visited a therapist for a bit and it really seemed to help. She still won't tell us what the stressor was that first started her down that road but she seems to have stopped doing it and, best of all, will talk to us know when something bothers her.  I think the fact that she is opening up about somethings is a positive sign.

I still watch her closely and I worry that it will happen again or that some new behaviour will pop up.  So every time she does something new i tend to question it and wonder what self-destructive aspect their is to it but... maybe one day I'll get over it.

Tomorrow is the first day of school so we'll see how she deals with the stress in the first couple of weeks back.  I think we'll have to keep a close eye but try to find a subtle way of doing it or she'll just get pissed off. At least, she somewhat understands that we've earned the right to question.

That's it for now:)

I am pissed off

The last couple of weeks have left me wondering about alot of things including my competencies as a parent.  Just how good a parent are you when both your kids are damaged?  Ok - so Ronnie is not my fault but reality is she is not 'neuro-typical'.  As for Emma, the rational part of my brain says that this behaviour is something she has chosen and that it is not about me but rather herself.  But the emotional part of my brain says 'that's all very nice, but you must have screwed up somewhere for her to think this is normal'. 

I am so angry at her for putting us throught this.  How dare she behave this way and be so selfish as to think that this would not affect us in any way.  Who does she think she is?  She thinks she is so unloved, unimportant, insignificant; that she always gets the short end of the stick because she's 'normal' and her sister is handicaped?  Grow the fuck up!!! Does she have any idea of the sacrifices we have made for her? Does her sister get to take dance classes? Does her sister get to go to movies and buy clothes and hang out with friends? Does her sister get to take karate classes? Does her sister get to hold us hostage to her fucked-up emotions and whims? Does her sister make me uncomfortable in my own home? NO to any of these.

We have bent over backwards to try to make things as normal as possible for kiddo and that is still not good enough. In fact, we've probably neglected some of Ronnie's needs (i.e. fun) to placate her sister and ensure that she is not forced into a public situation she doesn't want to have. And this is the thanks we get?  She cuts herself and then has the fucking balls to tell me it's my fault and to deny total responsibility for it???

I'm at a loss and have no idea how to deal with this anymore.

Up and down and around

So it's been a couple of weeks and kiddo has met with the social worker twice so I thought I'd give a bit of an update. 

I spoke to the social worker last week and she seems to think that things are going well; that kiddo is doing the work she is asking her to do and that she's responsive.  She's not just sitting there like a lump.  At the end of the meeting las week, she asked kiddo if she wanted to go back and kiddo said yes so I think that is positive.  Even kiddo is starting to make little jokes about it.

On the downside, we've had a couple of outbursts relating to "I'm a horrible person, I'm a failure, I'm never going to amount to anything...".  In fact, one of the outburst was "I thought I was done with this and didn't care anymore - why am I caring?".  We try to handle these as calmy as possible and give her positive feedback, like "you are not going to be an expert ukelele player in one week, it's unrealistic to put that burden on yourself".  I'm not sure that our positive images are working but we are trying.

We had another outburst on Sunday and again we tried to turn it 'realistic'.  I'm realizing that positive is not the right word; we are really trying to help her see that she is placing unrealistic burdens and expectation on herself and becoming disappointed because she can't reach her goals. It's not her goals that are unrealistic, its her expectations surrounding her goals.  Again, you cannot expect to be an expert ukelele player in one week. 

But she is a fantastic actress; we thought the situation was diffused but she went ahead and cut herself that night.  I know because I found the evidence in her pjs and in her diary.  I've refused so far to read it but stumbled across it last week and she's marked when she has cut.  Sort of opened it yesterday morning and say the notation 'and now I'm going to go cut'... Didn't make me feel good let me tell you.

Anyway, we spoke to the social worker about how to handle and her first reaction was 'CRAP'.  We were to call her out on it (which we did) and see if she wanted to talk about it (she didn't).  In fact, kiddo completely shut down and refused to talk about it. In her opinion we were humilating her by talking about it and that she was never going to say the word, blah, blah, blah.  I have to admit that I'm a little pissed that she's trying to blame us for this.  I know we screwed up but I didn't put the razor blades in her hand - she made that decision on her own and she will need to deal with the consequences of that action.

Not everything is negative

Just so you don't think everything is negative, kiddo and I went to Titanic in 3D on the weekend and we have fun.  Okay, we were sitting in a dark theatre so not really communicating, but I got to see her cry (true) and express some emotions AND we end up with an experience we can share 'cause we'll talk it to death, which is pretty positive.

I've made an appointment for her next week with the social worker so we get through her birthday week without having to dump this on her.  Now, I just have to convince her to invite her friends over on Friday and that she is important enough to do this; that she's not imposing on her friends by inviting them over and that she is allowed to have them over and recognize her birthday and that she's allowed to have a good time!!

Oye.

Kiddo meets The Doctor (not really)

So we met with the social worker on Monday with Emma.  I have to give the kid props; despite being incredibly uncomfortable she spoke and answered questions; she didn't prevaricate or try to pretend she didn't understand the questions, she didn't grump and growl (which she very well could have done) and from what I could tell was pretty honest.  There were a couple of times that I or Brian had to step in, gently, and add some information or ask a question but overall I think it went way better than I anticipated - and let's understand that I had no idea how this was going to go.

We and the social worker really tried to focus on getting her to see how some of her thought patterns need to be readjusted a little bit.  We also thanked her very much for having the strenght and courage to come with us and not just be crabby.

The other thing we did which has certainly not happened in a very long time if ever, was that after the session we went out for dinner just the three of us.  We made a distinct effort to not talk about the session and just talked about other stuff.  Until the end of the meal.  At that point I just asked her "do you understand why Dad & I went to speak with her?" and she said yes; then I asked "do you understand why we think it was important for you to meet with her?" and again she said yes; and the clincher "do you understand that we think its important for you to continue talking with her?" and again she said yes.  I know that she may feel coerced but I don't really care; I just want her to realize she doesn't have to be this unhappy.

I guess that's it for now.  Have called the social worker and am waiting for her to call me back for another appoitment for Emma.  Oh, and I think we need to do the dinner thing more often.  It was very nice.