Uncle Fester and the topiary

Dear Uncle Fester,

Well it's Sunday evening and I'm going to update you on the week's activities:

1) we've received confirmation from our insurance company that they will pay for my car to be fixed; now we are just waiting on the body shop to call us for an appointment. I have to admit that I'm looking forward to it being fixed. Ever time I look at it I wince. I really want my bumper to be replaced soon.

2) we went to the Montreal Botanical Gardens today and checked out the topiary exhibit. Really cool. It is amazing to me that someone could plan these things to grow out so nicely. Anyway, some of the pieces were absolutely fantastic. It would be worth it to go back in September before the exhibit closes to see what it looks like.  Even better, Emma came with us and she was not snotty:)  Actually she was really very good considering she probably didn't want to go. Anyway, it was a beautiful sunny day with no humidity and it would have been a shame to have wasted it inside.  I'm glad we went.

3) Back to running: I've been back to running for the last couple of weeks and watching what I'm eating and I'm starting to feel the results. I feel like my belly is getting smaller and that I'm getting stronger. I'm still doing intervals (6 run / 2 walks) and my last shot I actually ran 11 minutes... realized when i came home that I am almost doing 5K in 45 minutes which is a quite acceptable time.  YAY ME!!

4) OMG I am sooooo tired of taking the train.  About 4 times this week the train was late and/or delayed - totally fed up.  I really need to find a job that is closer to home.

5) Brushing Ronnie's teeth is becoming easier - electric toothbrush (avengers themed); my little pony toothpaste and a bunch of craft sticks stuck together with duct tape to keep her mouth open... sounds weird but it actually works and, once we have her bundled up like a burrito, it works well.

At this point in time Uncle Fester I can't think of anything else... talk to you soon.

Uncle Fester and a hot weekend

Dear Uncle Fester,

Well it's Sunday evening and it heralds the end of a beautiful weekend. The last couple of weeks have been cold, rainy and downright icky. This weekend seemed to bring everything that is Montreal in the summer together and explode it. It was a beautiful hot weekend with lots of sun and not too much humidity. Now for the weekend update.

We brought the car to the body shop and are now waiting to hear back from the insurance company to see what they will cover.  We went out to Restaurant l'Academie last night for Kathy's birthday (her 50th no less). It was nice. Brian and Emma had a choice of padtas without meat to choose from (ironically they ordered the same one), Ronnie had fettucine alfredo and I had muscles with fries. It was very tasty but rich. They also had the most amaxing carrot cake; the icing was fabulous. Oh and I got to embarass Kathy:) which was fun.

On Sunday we filled up Ronnie's pool and she had a blast splashing around in it. One of the hallmarks of her syndrome is a love of water and man did she prove it. She had a total blast.

Did I tell you I died my hair? Actually I ended up putting in highlights but there are alot more if them than I anticipated. I like it just surprised me. I guess I can now act like a dumb blonde...

That's it for now.

Uncle Fester and my broken car

Dear Uncle Fester,

It's just around 5pm on Friday afternoon and I've had a busy day. Well, it was supposed to be a quiet day with me getting my hair done and then just buying groceries but it started off a little differently than anticipated.

Why? Well first off Brian woke me up but saying "don't panic but" which is never a good thing. Apparently a city crew was on our street shredding branches and, as the driver tried to get around the crescent to leave, he backed into my car. It's not a huge dent but it is a dent and scratch. So the city crew had to call the police and get a police report so we can claim the repair. The good news is that this should also fix the passenger side bumper that I dented a couple of months ago. Brian didn't want to claim that accident as I wasn't insured on the car. In order to repair this new dent they will have to change the bumper. YAY

Then I went and had my hair done. I go it highlights which I really like. It's fun to get something new done like this.

Then Emma and I went out to pick up a few things at the organic food store. Ended up having a conversation with the woman about food supplements for Emma and I think we picked up something that should be good food her digestion, which she says is acting weird. I'll say; she went for a B.M. and it was very twiggy.

That's it for now. Just waiting for the BBQ to heat up. I'm having steak. Yay!!

Uncle Fester and the boring days

Dear Uncle Fester,

It's Wednesday evening and I have to admit that I'm getting tired. Got up at 5am this morning to go for a run. Felt a little self-righteous about it this morning but now it's finally catching up to me. I'm going to try to make it through Iron Chef but there is no guarantee.

So you remember that Brian works at the Vets Hospital, right? Well they seem to be in the middle of a transfer to the provincial government and he seems to be in a good place to maintain his position. That is very good news indeed. Although he has been the acting captain for the last couple of months and that seems to be working well as well.

As for me as much as I like my job there are a lot of changes coming up. One boss is stepping down and the other will be stepping up as interim director. I'm not worried; Laura and I get along fine but it will be different. I'm also feeling a little isolated. I'm not sure why. Humm...something to think about.

Day camp seems to be going well and tomorrow's they have their first outing. Should be interesting to get some feedback on that.

Emma is good. I'm still trying to figure out the whole Gabriel thing. They seem to be good friends but if there is more she ain't admitting it. We don't really have an isue but if she would come right out with it...

Sorry Uncle Fester, I don't have anything interesting today. Maybe tomorrow.

Uncle Fester and the mysterious laptop

Dear Uncle Fester,

It's Sunday evening and I'm staying up late because I can. Stupid right? I don't have to work tomorrow so despite how tired I feeloing to stay up late. I'm actually sort of watching a movie. I say sort of watching because I've now  watched the first hour but it seems to contain a lot of scenes of Halle Berry screaming and escaping from an asylum. Not very good and frankly there are only so many movies that can be saved by Robert Downey Jr.

Anyway Uncle Fester I thought I'd give you a run-down of our weekend. Nothing spectacular ; just the regular stuff. Brian and I did the groceries on Friday which allowed Emma and I to do some shopping on Saturday. On Sunday we went out to Hawkesbury for supper. First time taking the new car out for a drive that was longer than 15 minutes. I think everyone enjoyed the ride even Ronnie, especially  when she discovered she could reach me through the headrest. Every now and again I'd feel these little fingers tickling the back of my neck. It was very cute.

Anyway this is where the mysterious laptop fits in. Before he retired, it seems that Robert had bought himself a laptop thinking he would be working from home. Anyway it seems that he never really used it. In fact he admits he never really turned it on. Looks like he had some difficulty in setting it up so rather than have someone with know-how take a look he just put it aside. He made his granddaughter very happy by giving it to her. Emma was extremely happy. Now we just have to set it up which should be fairly straight forward.

Oh, lastly Ronnie is fully recovered from her dental procedures and Emma's babysitting was very successful. Looks like Marcy will be giving her call again during the summer. We are very proud of her.

That's it. Have a good one.

Uncle Fester and sharepoint

Dear Uncle Fester,

Have I ever told you how much I hate Sharepoint? I have to use this software for work and it is so NOT user friendly. I use it like twice a year, for the principal's prize and the lifetime achievement award, and I had to work with it today to finalize the access levels and it took me like 25 minutes to figure out how to remove access for people who are no longer on the adjudication committees. Uploading the dossiers is fine and easy; granting access to individuals is another matter and the access is selective so it is a total pain in the butt:(

Anyway, Ronnie's first week of day camp is done and she seems to have recovered from her dental surgery fairly well. Emma has also recovered from her babysitting duties. At least we didn't get any phone calls of her (or the kids) crying. Marcy and I were talking this morning and apparently she made quite the impression on her daughter Linden. She has been telling stories about "Emma did this and Emma said that". She said they might call Emma back during the summer to see if she is willing to sit the kids again. 

I'm very proud of her!!

I must admit Uncle Fester that I am very tired so I will be signing off. I want to eat some popcorn and drink my hot coco.

'til next time.

Uncle Fester and a day of firsts

Dear Uncle Fester,

We were up very early yesterday, 4:30am to be precise, for Ronnie’s dental surgery.  Actually, truth be told, Ronnie woke us up at 12:30am as she was a tad upset: you would be a little upset as well if you had to push out 2lbs poops on a weekly basis:)  Anyway, Brian crawled into bed with her in the hopes of settling her down but she was very fussy after that; frankly who can blame her?

Anyway, yes we were up at 4:30am and out of the house by 5:45am. Arrived at the Montreal Children’s Hospital at 6:30am and Ronnie finally got called in just after 8:00am.  I have to admit that although we’ve been through this a couple of times with the girls it is very stressful situation to watch your child being wheeled into an operating room no matter the reason. You wonder (at least in this situation) how much Ronnie understands. We explained what was going to happen and I know she understands more than she can communicate but stil…

Fast forward to 10:15am and we got the call that she was done. Four cavities were filled, two teeth were extracted (with one stitch) and her front teeth have been filed down to fix the broken tooth and the fissures that were starting in the other tooth. Oh, and her teeth have been cleaned. She has white teeth again.

We got around at 12:30 and Ronnie slept until about 4:30pm. The poor kid was so out of it, it’s kinda funny but not really. We gave her some advil to help with the pain (she was practically chewing her arm off) and I think it helped.  I know she’s OK but I’ll feel better when she’s back to being herself.

On the flip side, Emma had a great time baby-sitting. Her day went really well and she had fun and the kids like her. Liam, the boy, started off by asking her what detention was like? Kid has an interesting future ahead of him.

Oh, and we got our new (old) truck. Brian and I finally laid the Saturn to rest and bought a 2003 Mazda Tribute. Cool... now Brian can actually wear his seatbelt. Who knew?

Must go to my next meeting Uncle Fester; 'til tomorrow.

Introducing Uncle Fester

So I’ve decided to resurrect this blog but I need to change its focus. The point of starting this was for me to have somewhere to write about how I feel, how I am doing, how my family is doing, our struggles, our failures, our triumphs and our laughter…for me to feel connected and to celebrate the little battles we win on a daily basis. And for me to bitch about the battles we lose ‘cause Lord knows we do some of that as well. 

In order for me to be able to do this with consistency and I hope some success, I cannot write for an unknown audience; it just doesn’t work for me. I need to have an intended recipient even if it’s an imaginary one.  I think I will name this journal Uncle Fester. Why Uncle Fester? I’ll get to that one day. But that day is not today.

So buckle up my sweeties; we are off to the rides.

Dear Uncle Fester,

Today was my first day back at work from a week off. Dare I say it? Why not: I was actually happy to be back at work; weirdJ  Actually, I do enjoy my job. Obviously there are some aspects I enjoy more than others but overall I like working. Having time off is fun for the first couple of days but after that I get lazy. I find it hard to get motivated. For example, I was hoping to clean up the front garden that you, dear diary, are named after but I didn’t get to it. Well, in my defense it was pouring rain for most of the week but between you and me, I fear that even if it had been sunny, the garden would still be weedy. Anyway, I do like working and I like the people I work with.

Today for example Laura (one of my bosses) and I went on a field trip. My other boss (Cynthia) is stepping down from her post in a couple of months and Laura and I are in charge of finding a gift for her. She really likes jewelry and has an artist she visits regularly for handmade pieces. Anyway Laura and I got to step out of the office for a while and meet with her. She had actually made something special for Cynthia which at first I don’t think Laura and I were too thrilled with but the more we looked at it, the nicer it became. I think Cynthia will really like it. And university business was conducted as Laura and I reviewed some work stuff on the drive there and back so it was a win/win. I do so appreciate the fact that I have reached a point in my career that my opinion and comments are listened to – doesn’t always happen when you are an assistant.

Anyway, once we got back to the office, we got to eat cakeJ as it was Mariela’s birthday. Then I stayed to listen to a presentation on her major project and frankly Uncle Fester, I was bored out of my mind. Big mistake; ugh. It’s so boring I don’t even want to tell you about it.

Anyway, tonight I have a meeting with the Board for Ronnie’s day camp. We shall see how the first two days of activities have gone, especially today as I think we were expecting a full house and we are not sure how this coordinator is working out. I think he is a little out of his depth (I’m being polite).

Tomorrow should be an interesting day as well: Ronnie is having dental surgery to repair her cavities and fix the broken front tooth and Emma will be babysitting four kids. I know, four of them – that’s just crazy. Bless her heart that she has agreed to take this on for her first real babysitting job. Ok, so they are not that young (2 x 11 and 2 x 8) but still it is four kids. I hope it goes well for her. And she gets to make a bit of money which she’s happy about.

I actually feel really bad that we won’t be around to provide support or see her off. The kid already feels like she can’t ask anyone for help (long story) but I’d like her to know that she has our support and that we are so very proud of her despite what she may think.

My stop on the train is coming up Uncle Fester so I think I must end this first missive.  Until tomorrow.

Update

Wow, so I just re-read my last post which was in May.  I think I was a little pissed off:)

All joking aside, it was not an easy situation. Things felt very dicey and we were not really sure where to go and what to do.  It was a very scary situation and we tried to handle it as best as we could.

The good news is that things seem to have improved tremendously.  Emma visited a therapist for a bit and it really seemed to help. She still won't tell us what the stressor was that first started her down that road but she seems to have stopped doing it and, best of all, will talk to us know when something bothers her.  I think the fact that she is opening up about somethings is a positive sign.

I still watch her closely and I worry that it will happen again or that some new behaviour will pop up.  So every time she does something new i tend to question it and wonder what self-destructive aspect their is to it but... maybe one day I'll get over it.

Tomorrow is the first day of school so we'll see how she deals with the stress in the first couple of weeks back.  I think we'll have to keep a close eye but try to find a subtle way of doing it or she'll just get pissed off. At least, she somewhat understands that we've earned the right to question.

That's it for now:)

I am pissed off

The last couple of weeks have left me wondering about alot of things including my competencies as a parent.  Just how good a parent are you when both your kids are damaged?  Ok - so Ronnie is not my fault but reality is she is not 'neuro-typical'.  As for Emma, the rational part of my brain says that this behaviour is something she has chosen and that it is not about me but rather herself.  But the emotional part of my brain says 'that's all very nice, but you must have screwed up somewhere for her to think this is normal'. 

I am so angry at her for putting us throught this.  How dare she behave this way and be so selfish as to think that this would not affect us in any way.  Who does she think she is?  She thinks she is so unloved, unimportant, insignificant; that she always gets the short end of the stick because she's 'normal' and her sister is handicaped?  Grow the fuck up!!! Does she have any idea of the sacrifices we have made for her? Does her sister get to take dance classes? Does her sister get to go to movies and buy clothes and hang out with friends? Does her sister get to take karate classes? Does her sister get to hold us hostage to her fucked-up emotions and whims? Does her sister make me uncomfortable in my own home? NO to any of these.

We have bent over backwards to try to make things as normal as possible for kiddo and that is still not good enough. In fact, we've probably neglected some of Ronnie's needs (i.e. fun) to placate her sister and ensure that she is not forced into a public situation she doesn't want to have. And this is the thanks we get?  She cuts herself and then has the fucking balls to tell me it's my fault and to deny total responsibility for it???

I'm at a loss and have no idea how to deal with this anymore.

Up and down and around

So it's been a couple of weeks and kiddo has met with the social worker twice so I thought I'd give a bit of an update. 

I spoke to the social worker last week and she seems to think that things are going well; that kiddo is doing the work she is asking her to do and that she's responsive.  She's not just sitting there like a lump.  At the end of the meeting las week, she asked kiddo if she wanted to go back and kiddo said yes so I think that is positive.  Even kiddo is starting to make little jokes about it.

On the downside, we've had a couple of outbursts relating to "I'm a horrible person, I'm a failure, I'm never going to amount to anything...".  In fact, one of the outburst was "I thought I was done with this and didn't care anymore - why am I caring?".  We try to handle these as calmy as possible and give her positive feedback, like "you are not going to be an expert ukelele player in one week, it's unrealistic to put that burden on yourself".  I'm not sure that our positive images are working but we are trying.

We had another outburst on Sunday and again we tried to turn it 'realistic'.  I'm realizing that positive is not the right word; we are really trying to help her see that she is placing unrealistic burdens and expectation on herself and becoming disappointed because she can't reach her goals. It's not her goals that are unrealistic, its her expectations surrounding her goals.  Again, you cannot expect to be an expert ukelele player in one week. 

But she is a fantastic actress; we thought the situation was diffused but she went ahead and cut herself that night.  I know because I found the evidence in her pjs and in her diary.  I've refused so far to read it but stumbled across it last week and she's marked when she has cut.  Sort of opened it yesterday morning and say the notation 'and now I'm going to go cut'... Didn't make me feel good let me tell you.

Anyway, we spoke to the social worker about how to handle and her first reaction was 'CRAP'.  We were to call her out on it (which we did) and see if she wanted to talk about it (she didn't).  In fact, kiddo completely shut down and refused to talk about it. In her opinion we were humilating her by talking about it and that she was never going to say the word, blah, blah, blah.  I have to admit that I'm a little pissed that she's trying to blame us for this.  I know we screwed up but I didn't put the razor blades in her hand - she made that decision on her own and she will need to deal with the consequences of that action.

Not everything is negative

Just so you don't think everything is negative, kiddo and I went to Titanic in 3D on the weekend and we have fun.  Okay, we were sitting in a dark theatre so not really communicating, but I got to see her cry (true) and express some emotions AND we end up with an experience we can share 'cause we'll talk it to death, which is pretty positive.

I've made an appointment for her next week with the social worker so we get through her birthday week without having to dump this on her.  Now, I just have to convince her to invite her friends over on Friday and that she is important enough to do this; that she's not imposing on her friends by inviting them over and that she is allowed to have them over and recognize her birthday and that she's allowed to have a good time!!

Oye.

Kiddo meets The Doctor (not really)

So we met with the social worker on Monday with Emma.  I have to give the kid props; despite being incredibly uncomfortable she spoke and answered questions; she didn't prevaricate or try to pretend she didn't understand the questions, she didn't grump and growl (which she very well could have done) and from what I could tell was pretty honest.  There were a couple of times that I or Brian had to step in, gently, and add some information or ask a question but overall I think it went way better than I anticipated - and let's understand that I had no idea how this was going to go.

We and the social worker really tried to focus on getting her to see how some of her thought patterns need to be readjusted a little bit.  We also thanked her very much for having the strenght and courage to come with us and not just be crabby.

The other thing we did which has certainly not happened in a very long time if ever, was that after the session we went out for dinner just the three of us.  We made a distinct effort to not talk about the session and just talked about other stuff.  Until the end of the meal.  At that point I just asked her "do you understand why Dad & I went to speak with her?" and she said yes; then I asked "do you understand why we think it was important for you to meet with her?" and again she said yes; and the clincher "do you understand that we think its important for you to continue talking with her?" and again she said yes.  I know that she may feel coerced but I don't really care; I just want her to realize she doesn't have to be this unhappy.

I guess that's it for now.  Have called the social worker and am waiting for her to call me back for another appoitment for Emma.  Oh, and I think we need to do the dinner thing more often.  It was very nice.

Every one is important

Today was not a good day for me.  Well, that's not exactly true.  Most of the day has been pretty crappy but since about 4pm it's been okay.  Yesterday, my daughter was going to meet up with some friends to celebrate a birthday and as she was getting dressed, she came out and modeled this really cute top she bought a couple of weeks ago; but the top was sleeveless and I noticed some marks on her shoulder.  What is that? I asked.  She just kind of looked at me and tried to brush it off.

I feel like we are playing Where's Waldo.  Is there is any part of her body that is not scarred up?  So since yesterday I've been wallowing (yes, wallowing) in despair.  As much as I want to be understanding and supportive, I'm having a hard time - I'm starting to get angry.  With her; with us; with everything.  Why did she chose to do this to herself and place this burden on us?  It's not like we don't have enough on our plate...

Today it continued because I was in a crabby mood.  I'm tired of hearing her put herself down and tell us that we don't have to worry about it.  That she's fine.  That she's not doing it anymore.  That it's okay that she thinks she's fat, ugly, stupid and whatever else she thinks.  I'm so tired of it.

We ended up having an argument about it.  Told her that she did not have the right to tell us that we shouldn't worry - that she is just as important as her sister and that we were going to care whether she liked it or not.

Believe it or not that sort of ended it...for today.

We dropped the bomb

So after wondering when the best time would be to drop the bomb on the kiddo regarding the social worker we spoke with last week, we decided Saturday after supper and while folding laundry was it. Although it went better than I anticipated, she was not a happy camper.  I was picturing a 13-year old pulling a 3-year old temper tantrum and while it got close, we were able to speak with her and calm her down.  I think she was more horrified by the idea that she hadn't fooled the guidance councillor at school and with the fear that the councillor will tell everyone at school.

Once we got that one out of the way, we were able to explain to her that we felt like we didn't have a choice.  That her behaviour was totally out of the realm of our experience and that we needed some advice.  And that despite her assurances to the contrary, we couldn't just take her word for it that the issue was resolved.  That we wanted her to develop the tools to deal with frustrations/stress without resorting to self-injurious behaviours. It took about an hour but she calmed down enough to smile a little and talk with us.

Afterwards, she and I went for a looooonnnnng car drive (about 2 hours) where we talked about various issues surrounding the cutting and why we wanted her to speak with the social worker.  I really wanted to stress with her that she was important and that her needs were obviously not being met and that we as parents needed to apologize to her for letting her feel that way. 

Self-injury is not a new thing with her; it's something she has done since she was little (picking her fingers till they bled, destroying her work at school...). She even admitted that.  This was now into something we didn't know how to handle and although happy that her friends were trying to help her through it, we didn't see the harm in getting someone else's perspective.  This person would lay out some ground rules for everyone to follow and would be able to guide/counsel her on recognizing the stressors and how to help her deal with them in a more constructive (rather than destructive) manner. It would be confidential and no one need know unless she told them.

I also stressed that she wasn't allowed to throw a book at Taylor (the friend who squealed on her at school) as he was a good friend.  In the end, I don't think she's happy about it but I hope she is resigned to going.  That's all I want.  And for her to be happy and to stop hurting herself.

The Dr. will see you now

So we met with a social worker on Wednesday evening.  Not one related to our CLSC - that would be just useless and frustrating.  She's runs a home for kids with disabilities (which gives her an interesting perspective) and although she's only been working in private practice for a couple of years, she's worked as a social worker for over 20 years.  Her focus during much of that time has been on adolescents and their behaviours.

I found it to be very useful.  It was reassuring to know that our approach so far seems to be the right one and that some things we were worried about can be downplayed.  Her reluctance to eat with her friends for example.  We have been harping on it but in the social worker's opinion, as long as she eats at home which she most certainly does, we don't need to worry about it too much.

Our next step is to bring Emma with us for a meeting.  The social worker will set out the ground rules and establish a baseline for behaviour (ours and hers) and meet one on one with Emma for a couple of sessions to work on developing some strategies for coping with her stress and anxiety.  I found it really interesting how in laying everything out, the anxiety issue has really come to the front.  Makes you wonder sometimes how we sort didn't see it.  Actually that's not true - we did see but just thought "well, she's a kid, she'll get past it at some point".  And she might on her own but the reality is she's hurting herself and that has to stop.

I'd like to be able to trust again.  Right now, that's sort of not an option - not about this anyway.  I found the session really useful.  Now we just have to get her to it.  She'll be pissed but that's life.

Oh my, plinched fingers anyone?

So yesterday, Emma broke her pinky finger at school.  A rogue basketball was the perpetrator.  Apparently it took a wrong bounce and smacked her finger.  The boys gym teacher took a look at it during the lunch break and suggested that it might be broken.  So she and I met up after school and walked in the Emergency room. 

Like a big girl she got xrays and then they put on a massive splint.  We have to make an appointment with plastic surgery in two weeks for a follow-up.  However, when the nurse put the splint on, she saw the marks on her arms.  It was almost funny the way they did it, but once she was finished wrapping her finger, she directed us towards a private exam room and told us to wait.  When the doctor strode in she asked me to leave and according to Emma she said the nurse had noticed the marks and did I (her mother) know about them and was she speaking to anyone.  Emma said yes and then said she was speaking to the guidance councillor at school. They (there were 2 docs) said okay and then left.  I admit I'm a little surprised that they didn't confirm with me 'cause she could have been lying but frankly the marks would have been hard to miss - especially when the nurse was splinting her arm.

After supper we sort of talked about it again, and apparently Sam's mother (one of her friends) is a therapist specializing in teenage issues and she's trying to therapize Emma through Sam.  It's kind of funny but I can see how Emma's getting a little annoyed. She just needs to realize that people are worried.  We are being in a pain in the ass because we care - if we didn't we wouldn't bother.

Obviously she's got lots of friends she can count on which is very nice.  I would like her to speak to someone impartial however.  Still working on it.  We will be meeting with the therapist for the first time tomorrow so I'll let you know how it goes.

Perception is reality

So not much to update yet.  I've made an appointment with a therapist for hubby and I.  We're looking for coping strategies and ways to help kiddo deal with whatever is making her cut.  It was a very stressful week but I think my brain is starting to come to terms with it.  I do admit however, that I heard Pink's F*** Perfect this morning on my walk up from the train and I almost started to cry.  The lyrics just seem to say everything I'd like the kiddo to believe.

Perception is a weird thing.  I know alot of people pick on Dr. Phil but he had some truisms that just made sense.  One of my favorites was "perception is reality".  It doesn't matter how hard someone tries to convince you of something - your perception is based on your reality; wether is a good reality of not is irrelevent; its your reality.  I think that's where kiddo is.  She's got all these people (including the school friend who tattled on her) telling her good things but she just doesn't want (or can't) choose to see it.

In the meantime we've hidden all the sharp objects that she could conceivably use to cut herself with and we continue to talk with her.  Maybe one day she'll be she's important enough to care about herself.

Dealing with scars

So we had a very interesting weekend.  Spent a good portion of it worrying about Emma and talking to her about what she is doing to herself.  It's very difficult to feel so helpless when my child is clearly hurting but all I can do is talk and hope that at some level she is hearing what I am saying.

In the meantime, I've spoken to the guidance councillor at school and I've set things in motion for hubby and I to met with a therapist.  We want to develop some strategies for how to deal with this.  I know Emma just wants to pretend it never happened but it did happen.  We can't ignore it.  Stress is a forever-kind of thing and the earlier she can establish coping mechanisms the better off she will be.  She also has to come to some kind of acknowledgement of what caused it.

It was really interesting talking to her; most of the time she was just 'yah; I know; blah, blah, blah'.  But every now and again, we'd see the truth lurking.  The truth is she is a scared little girl.  She was bullied in grade 5 and it has left some pretty phenomenal scars the depth of which we never quite realized.  Perphas if we had realized we wouldn't be here today, but we didn't.  Now we have to move forward and try to help her heal.

That's the best we can do, I think.

Life goes one one cut at a time

So, it's been quite some time since I've written and quite a lot has happened: I was on strike for three months (not a pleasant time), Veronica continues to grow and gain skills, we've decided that we are going to attend the FAST gala next and we discovered that Emma has been cutting herself.

No one ever tells you that your so-called 'neuro-typical child might very well be the more difficult one.  8 years ago we received this horrendous diagnosis of Angelman syndrome and the doctors tell you what they know (and eventually you figure out they didn't really know what they were talking about); this diagnosis that will take over your life and leave you feeling utterly helpless.  Docs do what they do best and prescribe physiotherapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and just about every other kind of therapy you can think of.  And before you know it they send you out on your own to deal with the diagnosis. 

No one ever thinks that the rest of the family has also just been diagnosed with this horrible truth.

I have no idea if this has anything to do with Emma's cutting but I figure it must come into play at some level.  She's always been highly embarassed by her sister.  God, on some level I get it.  You just want to be a normal child and not stand out for the wrong reasons and here you've got this sibling that no matter where you go, people stare... On the other hand , she's got this sister who is so loving its not funny.

So we discovered she was cutting several months ago.  I got suspicious when I realized that she was coming out of the shower in the morning and getting dressed right away - I mean with her cardigan and everything.  So one morning, I asked her to pull up her sleeves; and she refused.  Eventually, I tackled her and pulled up the sleeves and saw the marks.  As horrified as I was I was relieved: at least we knew what we were up against.  We did lots of research into how to help and we decided on a tack that seemed to work.  We were checking her arms on a regular basis and talking to her about it and after a while it seemed to get better. 

Then last week, I get a phone call from her gym teacher saying that she hasn't participated in class in about a month and that when she tried to get her to wear a gym uniform, she came out wearing her cardigan on top.  Seriously, and you're trying to hide this?  Then on Friday, I received another call from one of the guidance councillors.  He must have been surprised when I said I knew she was cutting.  What I didn't know, was that often once the first marks are found, cutters move to another part of the body.  She had: her thighs look like ribbons... This was discovered when we confronted her about some bloody kleenex in her pocket and blood stains on her sweatpants. 

I'm at a loss; she won't talk about why, she doesn't want to talk to anyone, she just wants to pretend it never happened... Well, we can't leave it like that.  Tomorrow I have to make a phone call to the councillor and tell him that yes, indeed she has moved to her legs, I have to call our employee assistance program to get a referral for a therapist - we need to figure out how to deal with this.

Oh, my heart hurts for her.